Wikipedia defines Friends with benefits as “a casual relationship between two unmarried people who engage in uncommitted sex acts. The intent is generally to relieve sexual frustrations through an alternative to masturbation [Ed. What’s wrong with that? Worked for me my whole life.], and is not intended as a romantic relationship. Both parties are free to date and engage in sex acts with other persons. This type of a relationship effectively gives the people involved an outlet for their sexual urges without the potential stress and time-demands of a committed relationship. Two people may elect to become friends with benefits because they are unwilling to commit to a full-fledged relationship for whatever reason.” An alternative to masturbation, oh brother! I am not afraid to jump right in and get my proverbial hands dirty. As Woody Allen once said, “Don’t knock masturbation. At least it is sex with someone I love.”
When I was growing up we often called this type of encounter a one night’s stand and you would try to find the loosest girl you knew of or heard about that would join you in some carnal pleasures. Dating wasn’t even a requirement and if you were lucky, you could get away without spending a dime. Born from the free love movement of the 60’s to the one night’s stand from my youth (70’s) led to the pleasure of casual sex as they called it in the 80’s. Disco Johnny and Spandex Susie, all sweaty from dancing the Hustle and drinking watered-down vodka and tonics at a local club in some Jersey backwater, could retire to the back of his father’s caddy and horizontally “dance of the night away”.
These days, it seems that dating has become as casual as the sex these people are lusting after. We've replaced courtship and real conversation with text messaging and online social networking. Consequently, our relationships have become as disposable as our technology.
“Oh, I just dropped my iPhone in the toilet. No problem it is under replacement warranty. But wait, what is that floating next to my iPhone? It looks like my morality and self-worth bobbing up and down like more shit that needs to be flushed.”
With an FWB, there's not much to putting your best face forward; the attention to the details for developing a deeper understanding of what is natural in a relationship. As for romance? Fuggeddaboudit! Is “I know you and even like you somewhat, you have something I need so “let’s get it on” (sorry for all these quoted references to old 70’s/80’s songs – just stuck in my head when I am writing this). Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am isn't a relationship. A relationship is honest-to-goodness, face-to-face commitment and, man, does that take work; more so as the relationship develops through friendship and beyond. Isn't the slow seduction that leads to that first kiss the most exciting part of a relationship? Friends with benefits jump to conclusions -- the conclusion that there is no possibility of a real relationship.
Women have a different ideal about what constitutes friendship and hence, relationship between the sexes. I believe that woman have a naïve sense that they can actually develop a friendship with a man. I am pretty confident it is not the same for men and I am reminded of the exchange between Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan in the flick When Harry Met Sally:
Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.
Thinking about this phenomenon led me to look up the research literature on “friends with benefits,” and I was surprised to find so many recent studies that dealt with this issue in depth. These kinds of relationship most often occur in younger adults (high school and college-age students) who are still actively exploring their sexuality. The literature suggests this is a modern form of sexual experimentation and coming of age experience that lends itself to the new social media and electronic facilitation of communication and shared experience that is available instantaneously via texts and picture mail. Think of all the recent scandals about young girls sending nude pictures of themselves or short videos of their sex acts over the ether of the internet. It is heavily promoted by one’s peer network and who is more susceptible to peer influences that teens. I remember the pressure of my youth with the competition amongst my friends to boast of one’s sexual prowess, either real or imagined. I would have to admit to fabrication on occasion to bolster my standing in this conquest hierarchy amongst my peers.
What I am writing about here is not related to youthful exploration of one’s sexual awakening but of the participation of 40- and 50-somethings reaching out for this kind of experience. Youthful indiscretion is something we have all been both guilty of and benefited from in learning where we fit in society. The problem arises when we regress to model our behavior after those who know only more than we do about how to work within the technology of the age. They know nothing of life but those kids sure can write posts about what little they know.
I have written in a previous blog article about Casual Relationship seekers on Craigslist and came to the conclusion that there are many looking for the cheap, quick fix to serve their own hedonism. I received some feedback, mostly from women in their 40’s, who detailed their negative experiences while searching for their own casual encounters. What were they expecting posting on Craigslist? From the feedback I received, the women were looking for something beyond the casual and were disappointed when it was not received. When you advertise that you are available for a casual encounter you should expect to only get what you ask for. It would be like going on eBay and buying a vibrator to fulfill these particular needs that was made in China... Caveat emptor - be careful what kind of lubricant you apply as you may be in for a shocking experience.
As for real relationships, by their nature, they involve some level of interdependence. People in a relationship tend to influence each other, share their thoughts and feelings, and engage in activities together. Because of this interdependence, most things that change or impact one member of the relationship will have some level of impact on the other.
Most current psychological theories about healthy relationships suggest they are built on a foundation of secure attachments. Attachment models for adults represent an internal set of expectations and preferences regarding a level of intimacy that guides behavior to reinforce the continued pursuit of that which provides for the nourishment of mind and body that comes from our attachment to another. Secure adult attachment, characterized by low attachment-related avoidance and anxiety, has numerous benefits. Within the context of safe, secure attachments, people can pursue optimal human functioning and flourishing within mind, body and, dare I say, soul. Once the attachment is achieved, we move toward something that can actually be called – love. I believe the concept was invented way before the Internet was imagined. Actually, we are hardwired to live in and be in love always from the first moment we are brought forth on this planet. This does not imply being swept off your feet or falling head over heels as these types of metaphors are more often related to initial infatuation described in the early love we experienced in our youth. I have written about this in another blog article about Love and Existentialism.
The capacity for love gives depth to human relationships, brings people closer to each other physically and emotionally, and makes people think expansively about themselves and their place in this world. In his triangular theory of love, psychologist Robert Sternberg theorizes that love is a mix of three components: 1) passion, or physical attraction, 2) intimacy, or feelings of closeness, and 3) commitment, involving the decision to initiate and sustain a relationship. The presence of all three components characterizes consummate love, the most profound and durable type of love.
When we arrive at this point in our lives after generations of durable and even failed relationships, most of us have experienced at least a taste of what is consummate love. Be that for our partners or even that strong bond parent/child love (minus the physical passion component – hopefully). That feeling of being “in love” has a transforming, positive consequence that inspires you and increases your own self-esteem and self-efficacy - your belief that you can achieve influence over events that affect your life.
As we gain life experience through both the good and bad of what we have lived through, we often reflect on those past experiences and many believe that there are but only knowledge gained that become part of our current nature. To free ourselves of the chains of the past, we must move to living in the present and live a more mindful subsistence. This applies to relationships we establish with others as we must co-exist and relate to them in all the moments spent in their company. We bring our knowledge and experience to each and every table we chose to sit at and from that place and mindset we have the awareness of how to relate in some meaningful way to others. Eckhart Tolle teaches that we should be mindful in all aspects of our lives. That person you are just about to sleep with is not excluded.
The Mindfullness Theory of Relationships, proposed by Dr. Ellen Langer, explains how closeness in relationships may be enhanced through the “reciprocal knowing process involving the nonstop, interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of persons in a relationship." The five components of minding include:
1. Knowing and being known: seeking to understand the partner.
2. Making relationship-enhancing attributions for behaviors: giving the benefit of the doubt.
3. Accepting and respecting: empathy and social skills.
4. Maintaining reciprocity: active participation in relationship enhancement.
5. Continuity in minding: persisting in mindfulness.
So what does us this philo-psycho-mumbo jumbo jargon have to do with just getting laid? Having sex is more than just a physical act of pleasure. It strips us, if just for a moment, of all of our social masks, and bares more than just our physical desires to the other person. While men may deny that happens, I can’t help but believe it does. Maybe that is just my own level of sensitivity and connectedness to others influencing me. I have experienced the bliss of being in love and making love to my partner. The synchronicity of the experience is such that it can be recalled even years after those precious moments have passed. The intimacy and connection remains whether you are in physical contact or not. Can that ever be achieved through a casual encounter?
But hey, sometimes you just need to get laid! Haven't we learned enough at our age to go out with someone we are attracted to but don't really want a relationship with, find an excuse to get drunk, go back to their place for a roll in the hay, sneak out in the middle of the night while doing the walk of shame and claim it was the booze that made me do it the next day when you have to take that awkward phone call.
As for my friend, I worry about her. While she’s brilliant, attractive, and a wonderful person, I think she may be blinded by her own cynicism about relationships, love, and attraction. But after awhile, it’s hard not to. When you meet so many people who are just interested in relationships on their own terms (and for their own ends), it can be hard to see the forest through the trees.
