The Ten Commandments - Revisited
Warning: What you are about to read is so goddamn (example) sacrilegious your skin may crawl, you may think about a gun purchase, or you may understand something new (don’t be scared, it won’t kill you). Persons established in the “Bible Belt” please flee the area around your computer now.
So I look at the Ten Commandments, the ten things to rule the world, to bring world order, and the ten things to grant humans a long and happy life on Earth. Holy shit! Ten fuckin’ things; are you shitting me? This is nonsense, these ten things are all we need…boy were we wrong. It’s depressing to think that ten rules could make society run like the well-oiled machine that cranks out the propaganda you read every morning with your “morning coffee.” If the nut who wrote this thought that these ten were it, he was wrong. I mean there are too little to begin with and they suck as they are. Here’s the list of the ten along with a “translation” into “real” English (They aren’t necessarily in order because I’m not at a hotel next to my copy of Gideon’s Bible. Sorry).
1. “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.”
“Ok, I’m the guy who gave you that ability to run for your jail break. Kiss my ring.”
2. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.”
“Yea…but I’m an insecure pussy who wants a little attention. Please direct it here. I don’t want to see you with any other guys! Ok?!”
(It’s like the Jews took God’s virginity and now he’s all clingy)
3. “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.”
“Don’t call me with no good news or just to fuck with me. I don’t like that. If you do, I’ll smite you! You schmuck!”
(Did I mention god is from the New York area? And that he’s Jewish?)
4. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.”
“You can’t do anything when I’m tired! No! Stop trying to have sex with me! I already said I have a headache.”
5. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”
“Respect your parents. They worked hard to deal with your bullshit and theirs. While you’re at it be happy you’re alive this long. You ungrateful fuck.”
(Fuck is an adjective there. God would like to make sure He/She only uses the most proper grammar.)
6. “You shall not murder.”
(I hope I don’t need to translate this. If you need one go buy a gun at K-Mart and look in the barrel. When you pull the trigger you’ll see it pop up.)
7. “You shall not commit adultery.”
“Don’t cheat. Do I need to define this? I didn’t think so.”
(Bill Clinton didn’t ask someone to explain what God meant that day.)
8. “You shall not steal.”
(See Commandment 6)
9. “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.”
“Don’t be that scumbag that rats out people or lies about something. Tell the truth and have some judgment.”
(Wow we’re totally off the mark with that one.)
10. “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”
“Don’t be greedy and envy/want other people’s shit. It’s their shit; you have your own shit to take care of everyday.”
(I’m sure this doesn’t include me coveting Brad Pitt’s significant other [Angelina Jolie]. Then again he’s not my neighbor.)
Yep that’s the list. Everyone has a hard time following this one. Even Pat Robertson would admit to coveting that in front of a computer screen every now and then. But that’s it, those ten. (I noticed that there’s nothing mentioned that suggests society and the world will crumble because gays want to get married and that women want their right to choose.) There aren’t anymore. Society should be so simple. But besides the whole following these commandments, some of these are so outdated; they aren’t the timeless classics that should be in front of courthouses nowadays. In fact, using my super douche bag capabilities, combined with sacrilegious beliefs, also starring logical though; I’ve created my own list that can carry on from generation to generation after my body has vaporized in the nuclear attack ordered by Kim Jung Il (I honestly don’t care if I spelled that right). Here they are (So drink ‘em in fuckers).
1. Don’t kill anyone. Seriously. That includes killing youself.
2. Don’t cheat on your wife, domestic partner, or whatever you call the person you love and/or fuck on a regular basis.
3. Don’t steal shit. Earn it, strive for it, but don’t just steal what you want.
(Now that I’ve plagiarized enough let’s get creative.)
4. Be honest, tell the truth consistently and not only will others be more willing to like/trust you; you’ll deal with a whole lot less drama and bullshit that gives you that heavy baggage you carry around all the time.
5. Do what makes you happy as long as you don’t purposely impede someone else from doing the exact same thing.
6. Help out others along their journey through life as well. Don’t be selfish and so arrogant that you can’t help someone lead a meaningful existence. (And when you get that help don’t sue the fucker that helps you. That’s fucked up!)
7. Don’t push your beliefs, ideas, or habits as if to harass someone for acting differently or having a different opinion. For that matter don’t push your cock on someone too, because rape and molestation are fucked up and those things should fuckin’ stop by now.
8. Do not mix faith with science. Scripture is meant to act as a guide to lead a rewarding life. It isn’t science. Sometimes scripture is flat-out wrong.
9. Do not mix faith with law. The law should be fair to all people, no matter their race, creed, sexual preference, or religion (there’s a lot more to that list that isn’t written here. When I said “all” I meant “all.”).
10. Use your better sense of judgment along with logic to make decisions. Try to think of all your options before deciding what is best for you or others.
So they aren’t fancy, they certainly more user-friendly. Especially now, but they certainly fit in with the societies of ancient history like the Greeks, the Romans, etc, etc. These seem to be like really basic things that barely anyone can grasp ahold of. I mean Republicans are still saying gays can’t marry and that abortion should never be allowed (one also made the proposition to sell chickens calling it “cash for cluckers*”), and then they get reelected. It takes guts and a serious ego to “motherfuck” the people everyday of the year and then decide that you not only helped the people, but you deserve that spot in the government again. Maybe if this madness ever ends we’ll begin to even out, and become happy. But then again what government wants happy people. They’re in the faith business with God, “we’re here for you, to scare the piss out of you all the time.” Correct me if I’m wrong but, I believe that’s their slogan.
Warning: What you are about to read is so goddamn (example) sacrilegious your skin may crawl, you may think about a gun purchase, or you may understand something new (don’t be scared, it won’t kill you). Persons established in the “Bible Belt” please flee the area around your computer now.
So I look at the Ten Commandments, the ten things to rule the world, to bring world order, and the ten things to grant humans a long and happy life on Earth. Holy shit! Ten fuckin’ things; are you shitting me? This is nonsense, these ten things are all we need…boy were we wrong. It’s depressing to think that ten rules could make society run like the well-oiled machine that cranks out the propaganda you read every morning with your “morning coffee.” If the nut who wrote this thought that these ten were it, he was wrong. I mean there are too little to begin with and they suck as they are. Here’s the list of the ten along with a “translation” into “real” English (They aren’t necessarily in order because I’m not at a hotel next to my copy of Gideon’s Bible. Sorry).
1. “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.”
“Ok, I’m the guy who gave you that ability to run for your jail break. Kiss my ring.”
2. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.”
“Yea…but I’m an insecure pussy who wants a little attention. Please direct it here. I don’t want to see you with any other guys! Ok?!”
(It’s like the Jews took God’s virginity and now he’s all clingy)
3. “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.”
“Don’t call me with no good news or just to fuck with me. I don’t like that. If you do, I’ll smite you! You schmuck!”
(Did I mention god is from the New York area? And that he’s Jewish?)
4. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.”
“You can’t do anything when I’m tired! No! Stop trying to have sex with me! I already said I have a headache.”
5. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”
“Respect your parents. They worked hard to deal with your bullshit and theirs. While you’re at it be happy you’re alive this long. You ungrateful fuck.”
(Fuck is an adjective there. God would like to make sure He/She only uses the most proper grammar.)
6. “You shall not murder.”
(I hope I don’t need to translate this. If you need one go buy a gun at K-Mart and look in the barrel. When you pull the trigger you’ll see it pop up.)
7. “You shall not commit adultery.”
“Don’t cheat. Do I need to define this? I didn’t think so.”
(Bill Clinton didn’t ask someone to explain what God meant that day.)
8. “You shall not steal.”
(See Commandment 6)
9. “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.”
“Don’t be that scumbag that rats out people or lies about something. Tell the truth and have some judgment.”
(Wow we’re totally off the mark with that one.)
10. “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”
“Don’t be greedy and envy/want other people’s shit. It’s their shit; you have your own shit to take care of everyday.”
(I’m sure this doesn’t include me coveting Brad Pitt’s significant other [Angelina Jolie]. Then again he’s not my neighbor.)
Yep that’s the list. Everyone has a hard time following this one. Even Pat Robertson would admit to coveting that in front of a computer screen every now and then. But that’s it, those ten. (I noticed that there’s nothing mentioned that suggests society and the world will crumble because gays want to get married and that women want their right to choose.) There aren’t anymore. Society should be so simple. But besides the whole following these commandments, some of these are so outdated; they aren’t the timeless classics that should be in front of courthouses nowadays. In fact, using my super douche bag capabilities, combined with sacrilegious beliefs, also starring logical though; I’ve created my own list that can carry on from generation to generation after my body has vaporized in the nuclear attack ordered by Kim Jung Il (I honestly don’t care if I spelled that right). Here they are (So drink ‘em in fuckers).
1. Don’t kill anyone. Seriously. That includes killing youself.
2. Don’t cheat on your wife, domestic partner, or whatever you call the person you love and/or fuck on a regular basis.
3. Don’t steal shit. Earn it, strive for it, but don’t just steal what you want.
(Now that I’ve plagiarized enough let’s get creative.)
4. Be honest, tell the truth consistently and not only will others be more willing to like/trust you; you’ll deal with a whole lot less drama and bullshit that gives you that heavy baggage you carry around all the time.
5. Do what makes you happy as long as you don’t purposely impede someone else from doing the exact same thing.
6. Help out others along their journey through life as well. Don’t be selfish and so arrogant that you can’t help someone lead a meaningful existence. (And when you get that help don’t sue the fucker that helps you. That’s fucked up!)
7. Don’t push your beliefs, ideas, or habits as if to harass someone for acting differently or having a different opinion. For that matter don’t push your cock on someone too, because rape and molestation are fucked up and those things should fuckin’ stop by now.
8. Do not mix faith with science. Scripture is meant to act as a guide to lead a rewarding life. It isn’t science. Sometimes scripture is flat-out wrong.
9. Do not mix faith with law. The law should be fair to all people, no matter their race, creed, sexual preference, or religion (there’s a lot more to that list that isn’t written here. When I said “all” I meant “all.”).
10. Use your better sense of judgment along with logic to make decisions. Try to think of all your options before deciding what is best for you or others.
So they aren’t fancy, they certainly more user-friendly. Especially now, but they certainly fit in with the societies of ancient history like the Greeks, the Romans, etc, etc. These seem to be like really basic things that barely anyone can grasp ahold of. I mean Republicans are still saying gays can’t marry and that abortion should never be allowed (one also made the proposition to sell chickens calling it “cash for cluckers*”), and then they get reelected. It takes guts and a serious ego to “motherfuck” the people everyday of the year and then decide that you not only helped the people, but you deserve that spot in the government again. Maybe if this madness ever ends we’ll begin to even out, and become happy. But then again what government wants happy people. They’re in the faith business with God, “we’re here for you, to scare the piss out of you all the time.” Correct me if I’m wrong but, I believe that’s their slogan.
3 comments:
JB, Joe's 10 Commandments are wilder than wild - yet only surprising if you don't know his padre e madre.
Jack D.
Your father made me read this, and suprisingly, I was actually pretty humored. Hilarity did, in fact, ensue. Props kid. Maybe some day youll step up from ameture hour and join me with the big boys in the Journal (I said MAYBE.)
JOE. Wow your son was not educated in the East! At least I think that?.
But unlike so much other stuff that is circulating the ether of digital BS, I really do appreciate the Good Humor connected with reason. I agree with all the wisdom emanating from such a youthful mind. Conspicuous Piety
is the most abundant product that this country manufactures. A close second would be All types of Holy Books. And let us not forget Hypocrisy.
Good Luck on your Blog(S). Bruce From The Mountain. AKA. BFTM
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